A sweet singleness and a good broken heart

All these years I struggled to accept that singleness is a gift (1 Cor. 7:7) because I think I am called for a marriage. I felt that being a single was like being in a dessert. This perspective has changed these past two years since I found out I am doing what I am loving while many are struggling doing so. Also, being half way around the world apart from my family in 2013-2014 taught me that while I am single I wanna serve God, my family, and others in many ways I could and in any time I think I could.

Moreover, this year God revealed an unexpected thing to me. As I think and befriend in communities and spend some time with them, I found few relationship possibilities with opposite gender. Feeling this possibility made me think, reflect, and pray ALOT. As I was praying and pondering alot, God revealed that what attracts me most from a man is godliness; I finally understand what it means only God and not spouse who can fill our need; I finally understand deeper what God wants in a relationship of man and woman; I finally understand the meaning of a praying wife and  more things God opened up to me.

One night as I was walking home and thinking, a realization suddenly came to me. I said to the Lord: Wow! God, my singleness is sweet. Many use the term “single and satisfied”, but I think mine is sweet. I am definitely in my niche because I enjoy what I am doing now. I serve You and people around me and I enjoy it so much. Nothing distracted my relationship with You and my service to You. Now that I am at the point between being single and being in a relationship, these past two years I feel I can serve you wholeheartedly and with undivided attention. My singleness is so sweet because of You and liking someone now is such a fuss and stressful thing for me! This is so much different than what I experienced before. And I can feel how my time and my prayers have been taken up by this possibility. I feel unproductive, I feel guilty, I am struggling to have a pure heart when serving You.

I now have passed that struggling phase and have peace, not because I am in a relationship. I am now in “a watchman waiting for the morning dawn” phase. I am learning a lot amidst the process God has brought me to. Even if the process ended up with me not being in a relationship,  I should be OK knowing His way is higher than my way; trusting that He knows the best for me; internalizing that when praying, it is not about the result of the prayers, but the process of praying and waiting for the answer.

I have learned a lot this year in my waiting time and praying process. Even if the process had to end with a broken heart, it will be a good broken heart because the process is worthy. Hopefully there will be good news! 

Whatever the result is:

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Amen