A sweet singleness and a good broken heart

All these years I struggled to accept that singleness is a gift (1 Cor. 7:7) because I think I am called for a marriage. I felt that being a single was like being in a dessert. This perspective has changed these past two years since I found out I am doing what I am loving while many are struggling doing so. Also, being half way around the world apart from my family in 2013-2014 taught me that while I am single I wanna serve God, my family, and others in many ways I could and in any time I think I could.

Moreover, this year God revealed an unexpected thing to me. As I think and befriend in communities and spend some time with them, I found few relationship possibilities with opposite gender. Feeling this possibility made me think, reflect, and pray ALOT. As I was praying and pondering alot, God revealed that what attracts me most from a man is godliness; I finally understand what it means only God and not spouse who can fill our need; I finally understand deeper what God wants in a relationship of man and woman; I finally understand the meaning of a praying wife and  more things God opened up to me.

One night as I was walking home and thinking, a realization suddenly came to me. I said to the Lord: Wow! God, my singleness is sweet. Many use the term “single and satisfied”, but I think mine is sweet. I am definitely in my niche because I enjoy what I am doing now. I serve You and people around me and I enjoy it so much. Nothing distracted my relationship with You and my service to You. Now that I am at the point between being single and being in a relationship, these past two years I feel I can serve you wholeheartedly and with undivided attention. My singleness is so sweet because of You and liking someone now is such a fuss and stressful thing for me! This is so much different than what I experienced before. And I can feel how my time and my prayers have been taken up by this possibility. I feel unproductive, I feel guilty, I am struggling to have a pure heart when serving You.

I now have passed that struggling phase and have peace, not because I am in a relationship. I am now in “a watchman waiting for the morning dawn” phase. I am learning a lot amidst the process God has brought me to. Even if the process ended up with me not being in a relationship,  I should be OK knowing His way is higher than my way; trusting that He knows the best for me; internalizing that when praying, it is not about the result of the prayers, but the process of praying and waiting for the answer.

I have learned a lot this year in my waiting time and praying process. Even if the process had to end with a broken heart, it will be a good broken heart because the process is worthy. Hopefully there will be good news! 

Whatever the result is:

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Amen

More than watchmen

I recently learned about prayer from a mission trip. My team experienced powerful prayers that brought so much joy to our team. Personally, God confronted me about my sin of disbelief and lack of faith when I prayed. All this time, without me being aware of it, I treated my prayers as some things that I filed up in the air. Whatever happens, it is up to God as long as I had talked to God about it; as long as I have given it up to God. It seems like nothing wrong with the sentences before; yet, I let my prayers hanging up in the air like clouds in the sky. 

God unveiled to me how I did not care about my prayers and that letting my prayers hanging up in the air was not the right heart attitude I should have. These past years I struggled with the idea that God was a wicked God who had shattered my dreams; a God who shaped me to be strong so that I can face any pain. God confronted all of those. 

God wants me to own my prayers, He wants me to trust Him-that He is the God who is able, able to do impossible things for me, able to make me happy, able to assure my future; He is strong, strong to carry me through the pain, strong to protect me, strong to be my anchor; He is kind, gentle, sweet, and beautiful, He cares about my feelings. He is not the God to whom I need to enslave myself. He is the God who loves me and wants the best for me. Somehow, I did not trust Him and I did not belief that He was all of those.

God has increased my faith by confronting my prayer attitude. I remember these past few months I had been praying to  have bigger faith, faith to move the mountains, faith to walk on water and He answered! He answered but I was not aware of His answer because I did not care of my prayers because I did not have faith, I did not think God would answer, I did not belief He would care and do what I prayed for. Therefore, I did not wait on Him to answer my prayers. I did not expect Him to act. I did not wait in expectancy (Psalm 5:3) like watchmen waiting for the morning dawn (Psalm 130:6). It was because I lacked of faith and I did not believe Him.

I thank God that He revealed. Once said when you encounter God, you could not and you should not stay the same. It’s true. My prayer life, and my understanding and my attitude about waiting have changed since the conviction. I hope I will always be reminded about this and I can keep it up.